Life Update

     Hey yall!!!!!! so soooooo sososososos so so super sorry for not posting in like FOREVER!! I just keep forgetting to update my blog sighhhh.... anyways a lot and I mean A LOT of things have happened since the last time I posted. I think I'll just split this into a list.

1. I GOT INTO MY DREAM SCHOOL!!!!
        I cannot believe it but my hard work finally paid off!! The school I've been dreaming about for YEARS now is finally in reach!!!!!!! The school I got into is not exactly (???) THE dream school of mine, so like, my dream school is Labschool Kebayoran, but I got into Labschool Bintaro. It's not really that different other than the one in Bintaro is still very new (I'll be the FIRST alumni LOLOLOL) and in a different location. I heard that the teachers that will teach in Bintaro will be some of the teachers from Kebayoran! So it's like not that different.  But regardless I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHOOOOOO!!!!!!

2. I HATE MY CURRENT SCHOOL EVEN MORE NOW.
        Even though I was accepted into my dream school already, I STILL have to deal with the horrible school life I have at the moment.  I STILL have my writing project, I STILL have my STEAM project, and I STILL have A FINAL EXAM. If I fail any of these, I will never reach that dream school life. I hate how2 out of 3 of these projects are TEAM PROJECTS. The people in my school now NOTHING ABOUT HOW TO WORK TOGETHER. IM ALWAYS CONSTANTLY TRYING MY BEST BECAUSE MY TEAMMATES ARE SHIT! DO THEY REALIZE THAT THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR THE GRADUATION? WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WORKING?! Im the only one working on my writing project. Im the only one working on the STEAM project. WHY CANT YOU HELP ME?! AND EVERYTIME THEY 'TRY' TO HELP ME OUT, THEY FUCKING FAIL! "Oh but Adrie, I have no idea on how to do this!!" WELL NEITHER DO I. DID I GIVE UP? NO!! DONT THEY REALIZE THAT IF I FAIL ON WORKING ON THESE PROJECTS THEY'LL GET HORRIBLE GRADES TOO? WHY AM I EXPECTED TO DO MY BEST WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING NOTHING?! I can NEVER trust my teammates anymore. Because I have two options: 1.) I follow my other teammates; do nothing and we all fail. or 2.) Actually work on the project so that me and ALL of my teammates still get a grade but if I fail we all fail and they all blame me. I know you guys would just tell me "Adrie, why cant you just tell them?" I DONT KNOW. I just dont know how to confront people at all. Why cant they realize it by themselves? Im such a contradiction. How can I wish for the spotlight while also avoiding it? How can I have such ambitions while also being lazy? Atleast I know whats wrong with me right? But what use is there if I wont even change them?

3. For a holy month, this is probably my worst one.
        It's Ramadhan, right? It's supposed to be a month where muslims like me are given a "fresh start" on our bad and good deeds. We need to be patient, and fast and stuff. With everything going on right now, I feel like everything around me is testing me. School, friends, family, and even myself. I can't catch a break. I just want to have a time where I feel like life is worth living. Where I feel like everything is fine. But its not. I have to deal with everybody's bullshit all the time. Im a bad follower, thats for sure. I wish there was a way where I can 'skip' all the problems I have at them moment, like skipping cutscenes in games of whatever. Like, I skip the working part and get to the result of the hard work right away. But this is real life. Real life is horrible. My solution to my problems are always thinking of a different world, or timeline where I change a choice that lead me to where I am right now. I make so many stories for my characters because they distract me from the boring, painful, and repetitive reality. They are my 'escape'. "If I feel like dying, I'll just make them die instead!" is my favorite thing to do. A lot of my stories are mainly themed about death because I'm trying to use it as a way to cope. Do you think God still loves me? I mean, I dont look the part at all. Denying old customs, wearing whatever I want rather than what Im supposed to wear, having slightly different ideologies than my religion, and what not. But the important thing is that I believe in God, right? Surely thats enough to make me a believer, right? The amount of people around me that are telling me to do better in religion and that I should always listen to their advice is horrible. Why cant you let me think for myself? You're always telling me to do thing I already know. You make me feel like I'm worse than you. You make me believe that God hates me for what I am. But I'm sure God is still hoping for the best for me, right? I mean, I'm still alive in the end. That just means God still has hope for me to change for the better, I hope.