I Think I Talk TOO Much

     Hey guys!!!!! er uh........ HAPPY TUESDAY!!!! or something idk how to start this (￣_￣|||)
Anyways, I hope you guys are doing okay and well!!!! I hope life hasn't been kicking you in the ass TOO much siighhhhhhhhhhhh..... I've super busy like ugh im getting a little fed up at this point but you know, WHATEVER!!!!! Goodness me....! 

    Well, if you know me, then you've most likely heard me talk for HOURS ON END about some stuff.... such as my current interest, RANTING (Oh my god I do it too much ESPECIALLY HERE!!! IM SO SORRY!!!), and most DEFINITELY OC LORE!!!!!! Here's an example: One time, I was on the plane with my two best friends (SHOUT OUT TO YOU GUYS!!!!) and it was a 5/6-hour flight (I forgot). At that time, I was SUPER DUPER INTO this game called Yandere Simulator (You have definitely heard about this game before). I was so glad that my best friend was ALSO into it. We were talking about our favorite students, rivals, my own YANSIM AU, and complaining about how the game's story and gameplay could be better (All because of its STINKY developer). We were talking THE WHOLE FLIGHT LIKE NO KIDDING!!!! 5 HOURS OF YAPPING. YAPPING ABOUT THE GAME WHERE A GIRL KILLS PEOPLE FOR THE ONE SHE LOVES. We didnt even notice the time... like, our other best friend literally FELL ASLEEP MID FLIGHT and me and that best friend was just SPITTING WORDS at eachother for a DAMN 5 HOURS!!!!! I really wonder how the other passengers felt about us... we were talking NONSTOP!!!!

    AND THATS NOT THE ONLY TIME. If you are a person that I'm super... SUPER DUPER CLOSE WITH, then you have definitely heard my OC lore YAP SESSIONS. FREQUENTLY AT THAT. I don't know why, not even HOW my brain is fully rotted with my own OC lore that I made BY MYSELF. ITS NOT EVEN ALL THAT GOOD!! Like literally the only thing in my head is "Oh my god! My OC did that!" LIKE OH MY GOD WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS TIED BACK TO MY OCS. JUST YESTERDAYI told my friend about the lore I developed for my OC named 'Kenji Rokusumi' who was the Ultimate Judoka in my Danganronpa AU. And his lore is RELETIVELY COMPLICATED AND LONG COMPARED TO THE OTHER CHARACTERS I HAVE. It was a freetime in my classroom (the teacher didnt show up at all smh) and I literally explained his lore for my friend who was LISTENING TO ALL THAT IM SAYING. For the whole free time, my friend was reading (emphasize on WAS because I literally made her STOP) Percy Jackson, and then I said "Hey, I just finished thinking about my OC's lore! Wanna hear it?" and then she said "Yeah sure!! Lore dump on me!" AND SO I DID. THE WHOLE FREE TIME I YAPPED. YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!!!!!!!! And then the bell rang. I said "Oh my God, I didnt realize the time!!! Im so sorry you had to listen to all of that!" "Nahh dude no problem. That was a lot of lore!" "Yeah I know, sorry! Thanks for listening to me talk!" "It's fine! I'll see you at class! I'm gonna buy some food cuz Im hungry." "Alright! See you!". At that moment I was sitting still in my seat. I realized that I was so invested in my own characters, that I SPREAD THEM LIKE A VIRUS!!! I'm SOOOOO glad I only talk about with my friends and not with random people. Although, I do think that some of my friends think I'm annoying. 

    DONT GET ME STARTED ON COMPLAINING. I complain a lot. And by a lot, I would say 2-5 times a day. I would rant about ANYTHING. "Oh my god this teacher is horrible!" "Oh my god theres another assignment?!? LET ME BREATHE!!" "Ugh... I hate her so much!!! Shes so weird!!". So on and so forth. I'm beginning to feel that my friends MIIIIIIIGHT think I'm a little bit overdramatic. Unfortunately, I AM DRAMATIC. Also a little sensitive I think. I dont know. 

UUUGHHHHHH I WISH I COULD JUST KEEP ALL THESE THINGS TO MYSELF!!!!! But thats the problem! The more I keep it to myself, the more I want to tell it to my friends!!!!! I need a medium where someone listens or at the very least let me PRETEND to talk to you so that I can yap. Which is why I'm so grateful to make this blog. I mean it took me a few clicks but I FINALLY have a way to let others know on how I'm feeling WITHOUT annoying them face to face! To anyone who reads my blogs, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and struggles word for word. 

Anywho...... Ive been thinking of making another blog but SPECIFICALLY about my OCs! All categorized by series. It'll help me keep track of them AND whenever someone wants to know more about my characters! 

That's all for today, see you on the next post! ( •̀ ω •́ )y

Life Update

     Hey yall!!!!!! so soooooo sososososos so so super sorry for not posting in like FOREVER!! I just keep forgetting to update my blog sighhhh.... anyways a lot and I mean A LOT of things have happened since the last time I posted. I think I'll just split this into a list.

1. I GOT INTO MY DREAM SCHOOL!!!!
        I cannot believe it but my hard work finally paid off!! The school I've been dreaming about for YEARS now is finally in reach!!!!!!! The school I got into is not exactly (???) THE dream school of mine, so like, my dream school is Labschool Kebayoran, but I got into Labschool Bintaro. It's not really that different other than the one in Bintaro is still very new (I'll be the FIRST alumni LOLOLOL) and in a different location. I heard that the teachers that will teach in Bintaro will be some of the teachers from Kebayoran! So it's like not that different.  But regardless I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHOOOOOO!!!!!!

2. I HATE MY CURRENT SCHOOL EVEN MORE NOW.
        Even though I was accepted into my dream school already, I STILL have to deal with the horrible school life I have at the moment.  I STILL have my writing project, I STILL have my STEAM project, and I STILL have A FINAL EXAM. If I fail any of these, I will never reach that dream school life. I hate how2 out of 3 of these projects are TEAM PROJECTS. The people in my school now NOTHING ABOUT HOW TO WORK TOGETHER. IM ALWAYS CONSTANTLY TRYING MY BEST BECAUSE MY TEAMMATES ARE SHIT! DO THEY REALIZE THAT THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR THE GRADUATION? WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WORKING?! Im the only one working on my writing project. Im the only one working on the STEAM project. WHY CANT YOU HELP ME?! AND EVERYTIME THEY 'TRY' TO HELP ME OUT, THEY FUCKING FAIL! "Oh but Adrie, I have no idea on how to do this!!" WELL NEITHER DO I. DID I GIVE UP? NO!! DONT THEY REALIZE THAT IF I FAIL ON WORKING ON THESE PROJECTS THEY'LL GET HORRIBLE GRADES TOO? WHY AM I EXPECTED TO DO MY BEST WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING NOTHING?! I can NEVER trust my teammates anymore. Because I have two options: 1.) I follow my other teammates; do nothing and we all fail. or 2.) Actually work on the project so that me and ALL of my teammates still get a grade but if I fail we all fail and they all blame me. I know you guys would just tell me "Adrie, why cant you just tell them?" I DONT KNOW. I just dont know how to confront people at all. Why cant they realize it by themselves? Im such a contradiction. How can I wish for the spotlight while also avoiding it? How can I have such ambitions while also being lazy? Atleast I know whats wrong with me right? But what use is there if I wont even change them?

3. For a holy month, this is probably my worst one.
        It's Ramadhan, right? It's supposed to be a month where muslims like me are given a "fresh start" on our bad and good deeds. We need to be patient, and fast and stuff. With everything going on right now, I feel like everything around me is testing me. School, friends, family, and even myself. I can't catch a break. I just want to have a time where I feel like life is worth living. Where I feel like everything is fine. But its not. I have to deal with everybody's bullshit all the time. Im a bad follower, thats for sure. I wish there was a way where I can 'skip' all the problems I have at them moment, like skipping cutscenes in games of whatever. Like, I skip the working part and get to the result of the hard work right away. But this is real life. Real life is horrible. My solution to my problems are always thinking of a different world, or timeline where I change a choice that lead me to where I am right now. I make so many stories for my characters because they distract me from the boring, painful, and repetitive reality. They are my 'escape'. "If I feel like dying, I'll just make them die instead!" is my favorite thing to do. A lot of my stories are mainly themed about death because I'm trying to use it as a way to cope. Do you think God still loves me? I mean, I dont look the part at all. Denying old customs, wearing whatever I want rather than what Im supposed to wear, having slightly different ideologies than my religion, and what not. But the important thing is that I believe in God, right? Surely thats enough to make me a believer, right? The amount of people around me that are telling me to do better in religion and that I should always listen to their advice is horrible. Why cant you let me think for myself? You're always telling me to do thing I already know. You make me feel like I'm worse than you. You make me believe that God hates me for what I am. But I'm sure God is still hoping for the best for me, right? I mean, I'm still alive in the end. That just means God still has hope for me to change for the better, I hope.

my stupid fatass cat

 his name is Kory

Hell is Other People (rant)

 Today was A HELLFIRE!!!!! NOT KIDDING!!! You know how people say "All's well that ends well!" ITS THE OPPOSITE OF THAT TODAY. Ugh... I really hate my classmates. "Adrie, don't say that!! Hate is a really strong word!" Yes, and??? THATS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT THEM. My homeroom teacher is a very sensitive person. She's gets cranky so easily, she's like a baby! Everyone in my class knows that. But for some fucking reason none of them seem to remember that hahaha!!! So, this morning, my homeroom teacher was going to give an announcement about how my class's achievements are soo behind the other classes or whatnot blah blah blah but my classmates WOULD NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP. So of course, my homeroom teacher got cranky and changed a few people's seats! After that, she just left cuz she was pissed or whatever. You know what my classmates did after that? THEY WENT APESHIT AGAIN. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!! You have no idea how many times my class got a scolding due to everyone NOT SHUTTING UP. Why is it so hard for you all to understand? If I had a nickel for everytime my class got a scolding because we didnt shut up I would have 5. 

Other than idiotic classmates I also have an idiotic teammate. So, I have this scrapbook project and my teammate is a guy. He has no experience in designing and stuff like that. Since I already knew what I wanted my scrapbook to look like, I gave him a very easy job. His job was to wrap the cover of the scrapbook with the super cute HARD TO FIND wrapping paper. I told him to make sure the wrapping had to be neat and tidy. I gave him a week to do this simple ass job. You know what he did? HE MESSED UP SO BAD. THE WRAPPING PAPER WASNT FULLY COVERING THE SIDES OF THE CARDBOARD, HE DIDNT COVER THE VISIBLE CARDBOARD PARTS WITH PAPER, AND HE CUT THE PAPER SO MESSILY. You know what makes me even more mad? THE PAPER IS GONE. ALL BECAUSE HE SHARED IT WITH HIS FRIENDS TO PLAY AROUND WITH SO NOW THEYRE ALL SCATTERED AROUND THE FUCKING CLASS. What's up with people and taking my stuff, by the way? I found one of my scraps of paper, my biology note, my bracelet, and a bunch of other stuff under people's tables. Is this a joke?! Anyway... I GAVE YOU ONE JOB. ONE JOB THATS SO SIMPLE AND EASY. BUT YOU MESSED IT UP. I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING BY MY SELF. I HATE YOU. If you didnt know how to wrap shit, YOU COULD JUST ASK SOMEONE OR SEARCH UP ONLINE. Now my scrapbook's  cute cover is messy. You rawdogged that shit, didnt you? I hate you. Your ugly face already ruined my scrapbook's pages. I trusted you too. NOW I HAVETO GO OUT OF MY WAY TO FIND MORE AND MAKE THE IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

Unfortunately, the day isn't over yet!!! When I went home, I remembered I have a stupid illustration assignment due tomorrow. So I've been drawing all day. And then I remembered that I have to make a presentation with my teammates for Thursday. I CANT HAVE A MEETING WITH ANY OF THEM BECAUSE IM SO BUSY. I JUST WANT IT TO END!!!! I WANT ALL OF THIS TO END!!!! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS. WHY CANT I EVER CATCH A BREAK. Recently, my two bestfriends had their birthdays. I wanted to make them something special but guess what? I CANT FUCKING MAKE IT BECAUSE I JUST CANT FIND THE TIME. I LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH AND THIS JUST MAKES ME FEEL TERRIBLE. I just want to stay in bed tommorrow. I dont want to deal with all this bullshit tomorrow. 

Getting Ready!!

 What's up everybody! Sorry for not posting in a while now, hahahaha! I've been doing better-ish...? Idk!!! Anyways, I've been really nervous lately! I'll be having my last entrance exam in 4 days!!!!! AHHH!!!!!! This entrance exam will be my HARDEST ENTRANCE EXAM YET!!!! The school is very known to be full of smarties and only a few people could get in. I've been wishing to become a student here since I was 6th grade. This will be my LAST CHANCE to get accepted!!!!!! I already tried getting accepted through achievements, but they declined. For the next 3 days, I will be studying really really hard so that I get accepted there. Please, wish me luck!!!!!!!!! 

(sorry if this post is shorter than my usual posts, Im just really sleepy right nowwww eueueue okay goodnight!! (￣﹃￣))

Doomed Tomorrow (TW: vent, sh, mentions of suicide)

(last warning)

 I can't take it anymore I CANT!!!! Im crying really loudly in my room right now. I dont know if my family could hear me... I hope they dont. Ive been having really bad thoughts again. The school year just started and Im already feeling like I couldnt  make it. The school im currently in right now really just took a huge toll on my mental health ever since I got here. This school was the very reason I actually started having thoughts of harming myself. Even worse, I would have thoughts of killing myself all together. I dont know. I dont want to do any of those though, since Im religious. I could go to hell simply just because I choose to end my own life. But the thoughts wont go away. Im so scared of my future. I dont know if Ill ever be as happy as everyone around me. I hate the thought of not dying happy. I can kind of see why some people arent even interested in talking to me anymore. I always blame everything and everyone around me for everything bad that has happened to me. I do this because I just cant accept the fact that it was MY doing. Because if its my doing, I could simply just stop, right?!? WHY CANT I JUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!?!?! I always feel as if I dont deserve all the love I get from the people around me. I only make things worse. I can and SHOULD change but for some reason I just cant. I hate it here at this school. I just want to graduate in peace. I dont need to do dozens of intricate projects that end up being useless in the end. All it did was waste my time and gets me even more tired. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate this school so much. I hope it shuts down. I hope it explodes. I hope it goes in flames. 

okay sorry about that guys!!!!! I swear i wont post stuff like this again (ノへ￣、)

Emotional Rollercoaster!!!!! (rant)

Ooooooh my god... today was.... something!!! That's for sure!!! Todays was uhm, very exciting to say the least. I had sooo many things happen today I don't even know where to begin lol?! Okay wait maybe I do g-g-g-gulps...

    Okay, so first, I had an entrance exam this morning. The school I went to was really REALLY REALLY BIG. LIKE REALLY BIG. IT WAS SO HUGE IM NOT KIDDING!!! It's an Islamic school. If some of you know me well, you might think "An Islamic school?! I thought you didn't like religion-based schools!" And you're right! I do NOT like religion-based schools. But this one isn't as 'traditional' as other Islamic schools I've seen. They even wear short skirts (well its actually like shorts to be honest)!! The thing I don't really like about Islamic schools is that I NEED to wear a hijab. I'm not saying that I don't like hijabs (I actually think it's really pretty!), It's just doesn't suite me. It really changes how I look  .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.  I am also not going to commit myself to wear a hijab. The exam itself is actually pretty easy! Most of the questions were really simple. I also enjoyed being in the school itself!! It was really nice.

    Now, the next thing is.... surely something...! So, you see... my school is going to take school photos for my graduation. "Oh, but Adrie, what's so wrong about taking photos?" dress codes. I fucking HATE the dress code. Guess what style I have to do. I HAVE TO DRESS INDIE. INDIE. REALLY?! ARE REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME WEAR A STYLE THAT DOESNT EVEN SUITE ME!? Look... I don't hate the indie style itself. I also have no problems with people who dress indie! The thing is, I DO NOT SUITE IT AT ALL. I dislike looking too 'basic' you could say. I love wearing outfits that are full of color and wearing lots of accessories. Looking basic is what I tend to move away from. The thing that really made me upset today was trying to make an indie outfit. I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR 3 HOURS. Guess what I did.  I bawled. I bawled my eyes out. Like, for an hour straight. I JUST CANT. The tips my mom gave me just made me want to bawl my eyes out even more. I dont like wearing baggy clothes/big jackets because I don't want to look 'big'. Like, I like clothes that show off how my body looks. Wearing baggy clothes make me look shorter than I am (just so you know, I'm still searching for it right now). I wish they'd just let me wear what I want. Uhm go off I guess!

    The last thing I want to talk about is my dinner tonight. I forgot to tell you but, today is my parent's wedding anniversary! So, we all went to eat out together at a fancy restaurant. The food there was good! I ate a steak and some fries yummmm yummy. Actually, I don't really have anything else to tell you about today so... SEE YOU SOON!!!! BYE!!!

LOGGING OFF! -Adrie